MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN

 

Once again, The  Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its  yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to  supply alternative meanings for common words…

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted  (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.  

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having  a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an  explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.),  impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition  in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your  nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.  

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.  

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you  up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10.  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11.  Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12.  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by  proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian  proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who  sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15.  Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief  that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and  gets stuck there..

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening  in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.     

 

NICKNAMESIf Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUTWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. 

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.                                                                                                                                            A man marries a woman expect ing that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..

 

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY   

1.  A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the  same thing!  

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary   

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.   4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.     

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom. 

6. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too. 

7.  My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.  8. A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”  

9. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment…for enjoying sex.      

10. The economy is so bad that…the bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.  

11. The economy is so bad that..McDonald’s is selling the “Quarter-Ouncer.   

12. The economy is so bad that… 

   …CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

  …I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

  …McDonald’s is selling the “Quarter-Ouncer.”

   …parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

  …a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

  …Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

MEN VS. WOMEN

MEN VS. WOMEN

His Side

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.  I said, “morning.” He said, “no just taking a shit”.
2.  When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.  Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
3. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.  She told me that I had to quit masturbating.  I asked why and she told me, “Because I am trying to examine you.”
Her Side

A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush bolders. He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari apperared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman. She then said thank you.

Q. When would you want a man’s company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

pregnancy Q & A

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

 

A HALLOWEEN TALE
A couple was invited to a swanky costume Party.   She got a terrible headache and told her husband to  go to the party alone.  He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an  hour,  awakened without pain and,  as it was still early, decided   to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick  he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.  His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he  was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,  so off they went to one of the cars and had a  little bang.  Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.  He said: “Oh, the same old thing.  You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

“Did you dance much?”

“I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.  But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to……..”

 

9 THINGS I HATE ABOUT EVERYONE

 

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say ‘Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too’. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film ‘did you see that?’ No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask ‘Can I ask you a question?’….Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.

8. When people say ‘life is short’. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks ‘Has the bus come yet?’. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

CLEANING OUT THE ATTIC

 

 

Once a year I go through all the old stuff and what? Throw it away? No, post it here on this blog. You can delete it. – The Hip Grandpa

THROUGH THE AGES GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.  Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.  Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain :with a glorious and all conquering past.  Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: has been through war,doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.  Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.  After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN  Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

Department Store
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW 

       
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 

 
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN 

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD   

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE  ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?  

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS 

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR   

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A
DAY CARE ON THE  1 ST FLOOR 

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.  
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS   

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK) 

 

Lateral Thinking 
 

       man
1. ————
      board
 

Ans. = man overboard

       stand
2. ————
           i
 
 
 
Ans. = I understand
 
 
 

3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
 
 
 
Ans. = reading between the lines
 
 

4.    
      r
     road
      a
      d
 

Ans. = cross road
 
 

5. cycle
    cycle
    cycle
 
 

Ans. = tricycle
 
 
 

          0
6. ————
       Bsc . 
 

       Msc.
       Ph.D.
 
 
 
Ans. = three degrees below zero
 
 

     
7. knee
 

    ———————— 
    light
 
 
Ans. = neon light
 

 

            ground
8.         —————
feet feet feet feet feet feet
 
 
 
Ans. = six feet underground
 
 

9. he’s | himself
 
 
 
Ans. = he’s beside himself 
 
 

10. ecnalg
 
 
 
Ans. = backward glance  

NEW WORDS  

 ASSMOSIS: The process by which  some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the  boss rather than working hard IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and  media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop  watching them.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The  fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to  work again. 

404 :  Someone  who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message ‘404 Not Found,’  meaning that the requested site could not be  located.

GENERICA: Features of  the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is,  such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize  that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an  email by mistake). 

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them.’
 
 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
 
 3 .Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s family name is   Alzheimer’s.
 
4. Enjoy the simple things.
 
 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
 
 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
 
 7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
 
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
 
 9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
 
 10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.

AND FINALLY

1   * Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some

days you’re the statue  

 

2  * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case

you have to eat them.  

 

3  * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you

die in the middle of it.  

 

4   * Drive carefully.  It’s not only cars that can  be

recalled by their Maker.  

 

5   * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency

to be vague.  

 

6   * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person

again, it was probably worth it.    

 

7  * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to

serve as a warning to others.  

 

8   * Never buy a car you can’t push.  

 

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,

because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.  

 

10  * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well.  Just get

up and dance.

 

11 * Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the

bird, sleep late.

 

12  * The second mouse gets the cheese.   

 

13 * When everything’s coming your way, you’re in

the wrong lane.  

 

14  * Birthdays are good for you.  The more you have, the

longer you live.  

 

15  * You may be only one person in the world, but you may

also be the world to one person.  

 

16  * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.  

 

17   * We could learn a lot from crayons.  Some are sharp,

some are pretty and some are dull.   Some have weird names

and all are different colors,   but they all have to live

in the same box ..    

 

18   * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the

scenery on a detour.    

PERKS OF GETTIN’ OLD

INTERCOURSE

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, “You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?”
“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

“Bob, do we still have intercourse?” And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop.  

Bob answered impatiently, “If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times… What we have is   
/

/

/  

“Blue Cross!”

 

PERKS OF GETTIN’ OLD

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.  

AT THE VET’S

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.  

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too,”  

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black labrodour retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”  

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”  

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.  

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab test.”  

MURDER

So, here’s the story. . .  

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of  ‘Artie.’ Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.  

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.  

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.  

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor……..  

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.  

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.  

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

 The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..

 ‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!’

 

 

REALLY WEIRD HELPFUL HINTS

A sealed envelope – Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a Knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.  (hmmm…) ================================== Use empty toilet paper rolls to store appliance cords. It keeps them Neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to. ================================== For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won’t refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!) ================================== To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The wax will fall out. ================================== Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!). ================================== Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt blue!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel. ================================== Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get ’sharpened” this way! ================================== Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL ================================== Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don’t wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak. ================================== Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on. ================================== Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels AND linen. ================================== Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning. ================================== To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm! ================================== To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet,! Simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top. ================================== Spray your TUPPERWARE with  nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains. ================================== Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. ================================== When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s’ natural sweetness ================================== Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. ================================== To get rid of itch from mosquito bites , try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief. ================================== Ants, ants, ants everywhere … Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march See for yourself. ================================== Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine. ================================== When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily. ==================================   Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer…….. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China ================================== Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets. ================================== Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. ================================== Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). ================================== Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water. Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn’t it?

TRIP TO THE LUMBER YARD

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.  You have your old work clothes on.  You know the outfit – shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize! you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20’s:
Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.  And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register..

In your 30’s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40’s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different  shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50’s:
Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat  The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got   Worms .’

In your 60’s:
Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat anymore.  Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes.  The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50’s.   You hope you have on underwear, so nothing hangs out that hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute, but you don’t  have your glasses on so you’re not sure.

In your 70’s:
Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.  Don’t even notice the dog  doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80’s:
Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot.  Go to   Wal Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.   You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

PONDERABLES

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 

Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level  and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the  answer.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

Hummingbirds can’t walk. 

Vikings used the skulls of their enemies as drinking vessels.

A snail can sleep for three years.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees). 

The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an entire lifetime.  

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A penny dropped from the top of a skyscraper could not kill someone (but could cause injury). 

22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next hour. 

Mosquito’s are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color. 

The average person will spend 2 weeks over their lifetime waiting for the traffic light to change.

“Understanding Women”

MEN/WOMEN

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
 
The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’

The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’

The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

HOW DUMB ARE U

TODAY’S SPOT QUIZ

1. What do you put in a toaster? 

The answer is bread. If you said “toast”, then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, “bread”, go to question 2.

 2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk”. What do cows drink?

 Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk”, please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such ! as “Children’s World”. If you said, “water” then proceed to question three.

 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said “green bricks”, what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said “glass”, then go on to question four.

 4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury! the survivors – East Germany or West Germany or in “no man’s land”?

Answer: You don’t, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, “Don’t bury the survivors” then proceed to the next question.

 5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said “360 degrees” or anything other than “one degree”, you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? 

Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

NEW STRANGE & UNUSUAL FACTS

Little Known Facts

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb’  Many years ago in Scotland  , a new game was invented.. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden’.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.  Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the Treasury.  Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.  Coca-Cola was originally green.  The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska  The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%  The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400  The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:  61,000  Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..  The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.  The  Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.  111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321  If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes  Only two people signed the Declaration of  on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.  Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?  A. Their birthplace  Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name  requested? A. Obsession  Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you  would find the letter ‘A’? A. One thousand Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented by women.  Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil? A. Honey  Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?  A. Father’s Day  In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.  When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’  It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.  In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts…. So in old times, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’  It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’                                 YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when….  You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.  or… You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. OR… You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

Oreo Personality Test

 Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

 1. The whole thing all at once.

2. One bite at a time.

3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterward.

4. In little feverous nibbles.

5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).

6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.

10. I don’t have a favorite way because I don’t like Oreo. 

Your Personality: 

1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children. 

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that’s okay, not to worry, you’re normal. 

3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and orderly. You’re very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you’re only going to go the speed limit. 

4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good. 

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction. 

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior. 

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that’s ok, you don’t care, you got yours. 

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain. 

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help – immediately. 

10. I don’t have a favorite way, I don’t like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim. Nobody likes you.

E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

10. You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your email on the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the  plug on a loved one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with you laptop in your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year  or two, just for the free Internet access.

5. You find yourself typing “com” after every period.com

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  : )

DRUM ROLL PLEASE

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to
    someone.

 

 

 Strange & Unusual Facts 

Here are some unusual facts that you can use to prove superiority to your friends. 

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a bellybutton. 

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 

People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more. 

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop …even your heart. This is why people have always said “God bless you” after a sneeze. 

Only 7% of the population are lefties. 

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 

Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old. 

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 

The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 

The average housefly lives for one month. 

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. Don’t ask how. 

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it’s head are the rabbit and the parrot. 

Among the music catalog’s that Michael Jackson owns the rights to, is the South Carolina State anthem. 

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. 

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash. 

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.

They are reused in vein transplant surgery. 

Humphrey Bogart and Princess Diana were seventh cousins. 

If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

"Go Green!"

TO SURVIVE HARD TIMES

I Think I Need a Computer

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer, I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software…

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “W” if you don’t start with some straight answers…. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”….

 

To Maintain Your Sanity In Troubled Times 

1 Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice! 2. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 3. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 4. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’. 5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’ 7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling  ‘Run For Your Lives!  They’re Loose!’8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’  9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle. 

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. 

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. 

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. 

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. 

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. 

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. 

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. 

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.