HOW DUMB ARE U

TODAY’S SPOT QUIZ

1. What do you put in a toaster? 

The answer is bread. If you said “toast”, then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, “bread”, go to question 2.

 2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk”. What do cows drink?

 Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk”, please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such ! as “Children’s World”. If you said, “water” then proceed to question three.

 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said “green bricks”, what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said “glass”, then go on to question four.

 4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury! the survivors – East Germany or West Germany or in “no man’s land”?

Answer: You don’t, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, “Don’t bury the survivors” then proceed to the next question.

 5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said “360 degrees” or anything other than “one degree”, you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? 

Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

NEW STRANGE & UNUSUAL FACTS

Little Known Facts

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb’  Many years ago in Scotland  , a new game was invented.. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden’.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.  Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the Treasury.  Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.  Coca-Cola was originally green.  The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska  The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%  The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400  The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:  61,000  Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..  The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.  The  Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.  111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321  If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes  Only two people signed the Declaration of  on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.  Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?  A. Their birthplace  Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name  requested? A. Obsession  Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you  would find the letter ‘A’? A. One thousand Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented by women.  Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil? A. Honey  Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?  A. Father’s Day  In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.  When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’  It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.  In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts…. So in old times, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’  It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’                                 YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when….  You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.  or… You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. OR… You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

Oreo Personality Test

 Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

 1. The whole thing all at once.

2. One bite at a time.

3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterward.

4. In little feverous nibbles.

5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).

6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.

10. I don’t have a favorite way because I don’t like Oreo. 

Your Personality: 

1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children. 

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that’s okay, not to worry, you’re normal. 

3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and orderly. You’re very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you’re only going to go the speed limit. 

4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good. 

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction. 

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior. 

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that’s ok, you don’t care, you got yours. 

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain. 

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help – immediately. 

10. I don’t have a favorite way, I don’t like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim. Nobody likes you.

E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

10. You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your email on the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the  plug on a loved one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with you laptop in your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year  or two, just for the free Internet access.

5. You find yourself typing “com” after every period.com

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  : )

DRUM ROLL PLEASE

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to
    someone.

 

 

 Strange & Unusual Facts 

Here are some unusual facts that you can use to prove superiority to your friends. 

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a bellybutton. 

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 

People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more. 

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop …even your heart. This is why people have always said “God bless you” after a sneeze. 

Only 7% of the population are lefties. 

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 

Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old. 

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 

The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 

The average housefly lives for one month. 

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. Don’t ask how. 

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it’s head are the rabbit and the parrot. 

Among the music catalog’s that Michael Jackson owns the rights to, is the South Carolina State anthem. 

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. 

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash. 

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.

They are reused in vein transplant surgery. 

Humphrey Bogart and Princess Diana were seventh cousins. 

If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

"Go Green!"

TO SURVIVE HARD TIMES

I Think I Need a Computer

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer, I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software…

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “W” if you don’t start with some straight answers…. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”….

 

To Maintain Your Sanity In Troubled Times 

1 Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice! 2. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 3. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 4. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’. 5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’ 7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling  ‘Run For Your Lives!  They’re Loose!’8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’  9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle. 

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. 

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. 

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. 

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. 

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. 

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. 

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. 

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

A WOMEN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

The original fitness gym.

A Woman’s Week at the Gym

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late.  It took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
__ _____________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

 

BBQ RULES

  

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables
and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.  

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. 

 
More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women. 

 

 

 7 Don’ts After  A Meal   

 

1. Don’t smoke – Experiment from experts proves that smoking a cigarette after meal is comparable to smoking 10 cigarettes (chances of cancer is higher).

 

2.  Don’t eat fruits immediately – Immediately eating fruits after meals will cause stomach to be bloated with air. Therefore take fruit 1-2 hr after meal or 1 hr before meal.

 

3.  Don’t drink tea – Because tea leaves contain a high content of acid. This substance will cause the Protein content in the food we consume to be hardened thus difficult to digest.

 

4.  Don’t loosen your belt – Loosening the belt after a meal will easily cause the intestine to be twisted and blocked.

 

5.  Don’t bathe – Bathing will cause the increase of blood flow to the hands, legs & body thus the amount of blood around the stomach will therefore decrease.  This will weaken the digestive system in our stomach.
 6. Don’t walk about – People always say that after a meal walk a hundred steps and you will live till 99. In actuality this is not true. Walking will cause the digestive system to be unable to absorb the nutrition from the food we intake.

 

7. Don’t sleep immediately – The food we intake will not be able to digest properly. Thus will lead to gastric & infection in our intestine.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD

QUICKIES

A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?’ Granny replies, F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

 Wife gets naked & asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ Hubby looks her up & down and replies, ‘Your sense of humor!’

 An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’ He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid’.

 

Important Message about Growing Old

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Crap 
I Forgot What   
I was going to tell you

 

GRANDPA’S GREAT MEATLOAF

INGREDIENTS

2 pounds ground sirloin

1 lb. ground pork

1/2  red onion, chopped

1 cup Italian bread crumbs

salt  to taste

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

 1 cup shredded cheese ( your choice)

2 eggs

1 can cream of mushroom soup

2 strips of bacon

barbeque sauce 

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. In a large bowl, combine all ingredients and mix well.
3. Transfer to an ungreased 9×13 inch baking dish.
4. Form into a loaf
5. Place uncooked bacon on top
6. Coat with barbeque sauce
7. Bake at 350 degrees F for 1 hour
8. Pig out

 

THIS IS A TEST

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40years of age cannot do it.

 
 
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you can’t resist passing it on.

1. This is this cat.

 

2. This is is cat.

 

3. This is how cat.

 

4. This is to cat.

 

5.. This is keep cat.

 

6. This is an cat.

 

7. This is old cat.

 

8. This is fart cat.

 

9. This is busy cat.

 

10. This is for cat.

 

11. This is forty cat.

 

12. This is seconds cat.

 

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you can’t resist passing it on.

 

LIFE EXPECTANCY PREDICTOR

TAKE THIS QUICK TEST

This takes two minutes at the most and will not only predict how long you’ll live but give you the virtual age you are at now.   This’ll either scare you or elate you.  If you answer truthfully it is a cool tool. 

http://www.sonnyradio.com/realage3.swf

Click on it and be amazed. – The Hip Grandpa

 

‘If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.’ - Johnny Carson  

‘Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography’ – Paul Rodriguez  

‘My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.’ – Jerry Seinfeld

 

TWO JOKES WORTH REPEATING TO OTHERS 

TALKING DOG

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.

‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’

‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that crap.’

 

DUCKS IN HEAVEN ! 

 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’ So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’ The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says,

‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck. 

 

 

 

 

WHY WE VALUE WOMEN OVER 40

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40

 

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

 

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’  She doesn’t care what you think.  If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting.  Women over 40 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it..  Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.  Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40..  Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.  They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.  Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal.

 

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.  Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’, here’s an update for you.  Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.  Why?  Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

 

IKEA HAS  ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO SELL CARS.

 

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!   Except that one where you’re naked in church.    Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.  Heaven is Where: The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French      and  It’s all organized by the Swiss.  Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss      and It’s all organized by the Italians.   Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!  My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Welcome to  Utah   Set your watch back 20 years.          The statement below is true.  The statement above is false.   I may be schizophrenic,  but at least I have each other.   Dyslexics Have More Nuf. In Memoriam  With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started. I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE   Sometimes I even put it in the food. money isn’t everything,  but it sure keeps the kids in touch. I like cats too.  Let’s exchange recipes.   Red meat is not bad for you.  Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.  I am having an out-of-money experience.   As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him,  “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.  Please be careful!”   “It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!” Corduroy pillows are making headlines! I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

 

 

 

 

50 Heading to 70

PERKS OF REACHING 50 OR BEING OVER 60 AND HEADING TOWARDS 70

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

 

Vet Bills

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too,”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black labrodour retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”  

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”  

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.  

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab test.”

 

THREE-MINUTE DR PHIL PERSONALITY TEST

 

 

 But first…

 

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

 

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

 

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

 

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

 

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

Murphy’s Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

 

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

 

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

 

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better . Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

 

 

Now the test:

 

 

Don’t peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.  

Answers are for who you are now and not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready.

 
This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and in their prospective employees.

 

It’s only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of  

your letter answers to each question.  

 

 Ready?

 

1. When do you feel your best…

 

A) in the morning B) during the afternoon and early evening C) late at night

 
2. You usually walk…

 

A) fairly fast, with long steps B) fairly fast, with little steps C) less fast head up, looking the world in the face D) less fast, head down E) very slowly

 

3. When talking to people you…

 

A) stand with your arms folded B) have your hands clasped C) have one or both your hands on your hips D) touch or push the person to whom you are talking E) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

 

4.. When relaxing, you sit with…

 

A) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side B) your legs crossed C) your legs stretched out or straight D) one leg curled under you

 

5. When something really amuses you, you react with…

 

A) big appreciated laugh B) a laugh, but not a loud one C) a quiet chuckle D) a sheepish smile

 

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you…

 

A) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you B) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know C) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

 

7. You’re working very hard, concentrating hard, and you’re interrupted…

 

A) welcome the break B) feel extremely irritated C) vary between these two extremes

 
8. Which of the following colors do you like most….

 

A) Red or orange B) black C) yellow or light blue D) green E) dark blue or purple F) white G) brown or gray

 

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are…

 

A) stretched out on your back B) stretched out face down on your stomach C) on your side, slightly curled D) with your head on one arm E) with your head under the covers

 

10. You often dream that you are…

 

A) falling B) fighting or struggling C) searching for something or somebody D) flying or floating E) you usually have dreamless sleep F) your dreams are always pleasant  

  

 

  

POINTS:

 

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e ) 1
10 (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 

 

 

 

Now add up the total number of points.  

  

OVER 60 POINT: Others see you as someone they should ‘handle with care’. You’re seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don’t always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

 

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality, a natural leader, who’s quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once, som eone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

 

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting, someone who’s constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding, someone who’ll always cheer them up and help them out.

 

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented , but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you, realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

 

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

 

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn’t want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don’t exist. Some people think you’re boring. Only those who know you well, know that you aren’t.