CATS – NOT THE MUSICAL

Machiavelli, my wife, Talia, and our grandson, Desmond.

CATS

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. – Garrison Keillor

If cats could talk, they would lie to you. – Rob Kopack

Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you. – Mary Bly

 

BREAKFAST PIE

Cook a pound of breakfast sausage and drain it on paper towels. PUT HALF THE SAUSAGE IN THE BOTTOM OF A 9 INCH DEEPDISH PIE CRUST ADD A LAYER OF GREEN ONIONS, A LAYER OF SLICED MUSHROOMS, MIX 6 LARGE EGGS AND 1 CUP MILK, MIX WELL POUR OVER PIE ADD A LAYER OF SHREDDED CHEDDER CHEESE .BAKE 375 FOR 35-40 MIN. Bake 4 of these up to serve on Thanksgiving and again on Christmas morning. Fresh fruit and juice, coffee. The pie can be sliced and reheated for 30-45 seconds in the microwave and taste just like it came out of the oven.

 

PEGGY SUE JOKE 

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. ‘Oh, come on in!’ Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. ‘Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?’ ‘Iced tea, please,’ Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.’So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?’ she asked. ‘Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt  shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…’  ‘Peggy likes to screw, you know,’ Mom informed him. ‘Really?’ Fred asked, eyebrows rose.’Oh yes,’ the mother continued. ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!’ ‘Is that so?’ asked Fred, incredulous. ‘Yes,’ said the mother. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!’ ‘Well, thanks for the tip!’ Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. ‘Have fun, kids!’ the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. ‘The Twist, Mom!’ she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. ‘The damn dance is called the Twist!

 

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?  (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people’s.

Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run.  It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’
 
They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’

When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

A 6 year old was asked where grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get here. Then we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

It’s funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

 

 

FASCINATING FACTS

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?

A. Conception.

 

Q. Only 14% of Americans say they’ve done this with the opposite sex.What is it?

A. Skinny dipping.

 

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace. This is propinquity.

 

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

 

Q. More women do this in the bathroom than men.

A. Wash their hands. Women: 80%, men: 55%.

 

Q. What do 100% of all lottery winners do?

A. Gain weight.

 

Q. In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.

A. Banana.

 

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?

A. One thousand.

 

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windscreen wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.

 

Q. Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.

A. Change their underwear.

 

Q. This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.

A. A kiss.

 

Q. This is the only food that doesn’t spoil.

A. Honey.

 

Q. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?

A. Have a look in your medicine cabinet.