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  • Recent Comments

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  • TOO MANY POETS

    Ignore the depressed, alcoholic and suicidal poets and those who teach students, they can’t write. Listen to the four-year-old, alone in the attic singing, “I’ve been working on the rainbow” quietly to himself.
  • THINK ABOUT IT

    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 6 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 7 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 8 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 10 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 11 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 12 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • FASCINATING FACTS

    1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 2. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. 4. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
  • SIGNS WORTH READING (REAL)

    Department Store TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a second hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
  • DID YOU EVER WONDER WHY…

    Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

WHY WE VALUE WOMEN OVER 40

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40

 

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

 

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’  She doesn’t care what you think.  If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting.  Women over 40 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it..  Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.  Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40..  Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.  They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.  Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal.

 

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.  Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’, here’s an update for you.  Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.  Why?  Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

guess-who

 

IKEA HAS  ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO SELL CARS.

ikea

 

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!

 

Except that one where you’re naked in church. 

 

Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough. 

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
     and 
It’s all organized by the Swiss. 
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
     and
It’s all organized by the Italians.

 

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! 

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to  Utah  

Set your watch back 20 years. 

 

 

 

 

The statement below is true. 

The statement above is false.  

I may be schizophrenic, 

but at least I have each other.  

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam 

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE

 

Sometimes I even put it in the food.

money isn’t everything, 

but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

I like cats too. 

Let’s exchange recipes.

 

Red meat is not bad for you.

 Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. 

I am having an out-of-money experience.

 

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. 

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him,

 “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.

 Please be careful!”  

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,

not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

 

 

 

 

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