• THIS SITE IS UPDATED WEEKLY

    Want to go into business for yourself and need some basic sales and marketing tools. Take a quick look at my JumpStartNewBusiness.com. It may just be the answer to your prayers. In any case, add "The Hip Grandpa" to your Favorites and check it often. Thanks for your interest and suggestions. - John

  • Recent Comments

    Sandra R on DEMENTIA TEST
    fkdupdad on NEW STRANGE & UNUSUAL…
    Donald Mills on IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT GROWIN…
    Davis on 50 Heading to 70
    Mike on THREE-MINUTE DR PHIL PERSONALI…

  • TOO MANY POETS

    Ignore the depressed, alcoholic and suicidal poets and those who teach students, they can’t write. Listen to the four-year-old, alone in the attic singing, “I’ve been working on the rainbow” quietly to himself.

  • THINK ABOUT IT

    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 6 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 7 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 8 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 10 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 11 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 12 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

  • FASCINATING FACTS

    1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 2. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. 4. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

  • SIGNS WORTH READING (REAL)

    Department Store TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a second hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

  • DID YOU EVER WONDER WHY…

    Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

TO SURVIVE HARD TIMES

Posted on May 17, 2009 by John

image0066

I Think I Need a Computer

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer, I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software…

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “W” if you don’t start with some straight answers…. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”….

 

To Maintain Your Sanity In Troubled Times 

1 Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!
2. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
3. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
4. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling  ‘Run For Your Lives!  They’re Loose!’8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’ 

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
 

Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle. 

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. 

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. 

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. 

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. 

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. 

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. 

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. 

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

Filed under: Cartoons, Grandparents, Humor, John Lehman, Jokes, Jokes, Humor, Stories, Grandparents, Questionable Advice, Cartoons, Questionable Advice, Stories | Tagged: , , ,

« »

Leave a Reply