PONDERABLES

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 

Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level  and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the  answer.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

Hummingbirds can’t walk. 

Vikings used the skulls of their enemies as drinking vessels.

A snail can sleep for three years.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees). 

The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an entire lifetime.  

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A penny dropped from the top of a skyscraper could not kill someone (but could cause injury). 

22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next hour. 

Mosquito’s are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color. 

The average person will spend 2 weeks over their lifetime waiting for the traffic light to change.

“Understanding Women”

MEN/WOMEN

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
 
The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’

The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’

The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?