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    Want to go into business for yourself and need some basic sales and marketing tools. Take a quick look at my JumpStartNewBusiness.com. It may just be the answer to your prayers. In any case, add "The Hip Grandpa" to your Favorites and check it often. Thanks for your interest and suggestions. - John

  • Recent Comments

    Donald Mills on IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT GROWIN…
    Sandra R on DEMENTIA TEST
    fkdupdad on NEW STRANGE & UNUSUAL…
    Donald Mills on IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT GROWIN…
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  • TOO MANY POETS

    Ignore the depressed, alcoholic and suicidal poets and those who teach students, they can’t write. Listen to the four-year-old, alone in the attic singing, “I’ve been working on the rainbow” quietly to himself.

  • THINK ABOUT IT

    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 6 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 7 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 8 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 10 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 11 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 12 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

  • FASCINATING FACTS

    1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 2. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. 4. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

  • SIGNS WORTH READING (REAL)

    Department Store TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a second hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

  • DID YOU EVER WONDER WHY…

    Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

CLEANING OUT THE ATTIC

Posted on September 8, 2009 by John

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Once a year I go through all the old stuff and what? Throw it away? No, post it here on this blog. You can delete it. – The Hip Grandpa

THROUGH THE AGES

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. 

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty..

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. 

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain :with a glorious and all conquering past.

 Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: has been through war,doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

 Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. 

After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN 

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts. 

 

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

Department Store
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW 

       
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 

 
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN 

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD   

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE  ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?  

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS 

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR   

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A
DAY CARE ON THE  1 ST FLOOR 

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.  
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS   

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK) 

 

Lateral Thinking 
 

       man
1. ————
      board
 

Ans. = man overboard

       stand
2. ————
           i
 
 
 
Ans. = I understand
 
 
 

3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
 
 
 
Ans. = reading between the lines
 
 

4.    
      r
     road
      a
      d
 

Ans. = cross road
 
 

5. cycle
    cycle
    cycle
 
 

Ans. = tricycle
 
 
 

          0
6. ————
       Bsc . 
 

       Msc.
       Ph.D.
 
 
 
Ans. = three degrees below zero
 
 

     
7. knee
 

    ———————— 
    light
 
 
Ans. = neon light
 

 

            ground
8.         —————
feet feet feet feet feet feet
 
 
 
Ans. = six feet underground
 
 

9. he’s | himself
 
 
 
Ans. = he’s beside himself 
 
 

10. ecnalg
 
 
 
Ans. = backward glance  

NEW WORDS  

 ASSMOSIS: The process by which  some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the  boss rather than working hard IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and  media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop  watching them.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The  fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to  work again. 

404 :  Someone  who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message ‘404 Not Found,’  meaning that the requested site could not be  located.

GENERICA: Features of  the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is,  such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize  that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an  email by mistake). 

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them.’
 
 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
 
 3 .Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s family name is   Alzheimer’s.
 
4. Enjoy the simple things.
 
 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
 
 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
 
 7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
 
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
 
 9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
 
 10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.

AND FINALLY

1   * Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some

days you’re the statue  

 

2  * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case

you have to eat them.  

 

3  * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you

die in the middle of it.  

 

4   * Drive carefully.  It’s not only cars that can  be

recalled by their Maker.  

 

5   * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency

to be vague.  

 

6   * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person

again, it was probably worth it.    

 

7  * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to

serve as a warning to others.  

 

8   * Never buy a car you can’t push.  

 

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,

because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.  

 

10  * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well.  Just get

up and dance.

 

11 * Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the

bird, sleep late.

 

12  * The second mouse gets the cheese.   

 

13 * When everything’s coming your way, you’re in

the wrong lane.  

 

14  * Birthdays are good for you.  The more you have, the

longer you live.  

 

15  * You may be only one person in the world, but you may

also be the world to one person.  

 

16  * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.  

 

17   * We could learn a lot from crayons.  Some are sharp,

some are pretty and some are dull.   Some have weird names

and all are different colors,   but they all have to live

in the same box ..    

 

18   * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the

scenery on a detour.    

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