MEN VS. WOMEN
His Side
1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, “morning.” He said, “no just taking a shit”.
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
3. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me, “Because I am trying to examine you.”
Her Side
A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush bolders. He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari apperared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman. She then said thank you.
Q. When would you want a man’s company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
pregnancy Q & A
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
A HALLOWEEN TALE
A couple was invited to a swanky costume Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
“Did you dance much?”
“I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to……..”
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say ‘Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too’. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film ‘did you see that?’ No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask ‘Can I ask you a question?’….Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
8. When people say ‘life is short’. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks ‘Has the bus come yet?’. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Filed under: Cartoons, Grandparents, Humor, John Lehman, Jokes, Jokes, Humor, Stories, Grandparents, Questionable Advice, Cartoons, Questionable Advice, Stories | Tagged: Electric Lawn Mowers, Halloween Joke, Masturbating, Vandalism
