TALKING DOG
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’
‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that crap.’
TALKING FROG
This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.
when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and
I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”
The man looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Dave Barry’s colonoscopy journal
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon,
a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing
briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my
brain was shrieking, quote, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’
I left Andy’ s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we
must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ’s enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all
I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense
of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may
result.’
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but:
have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I
spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you
feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this is, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would
have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be
the least appropriate.
‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
‘Ha ha,’ I said. And If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my
colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies…
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments madeby his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’
6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’
And the best one of all.
13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’
Bullshit Brilliance
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named SNACK along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Snack discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, ‘Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!’ Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, ‘Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?’ Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. ‘Whew!’ says the leopard, ‘That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!’
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, ‘Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, ‘What am I going to do now?’, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,
‘Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story…. Don’t mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
CHRISTMAS STORY
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag gell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider
and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
All over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t
this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
…And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…
A HORRIBLE DEATH
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”
A Touching Story
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: ‘I’m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience’.The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
‘I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.’
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ‘Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch…’
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
‘Shit!’ said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Skinny Dipping
Grandpa owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’
Holding the bucket up Grandpa said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’
A Bird Named Moses
A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he hears: “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yes,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses’?”
“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus’
