DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!
| Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. The next day, The third woman has observed all this and, She manages to go months St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.. The happy woman says, |
‘I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says,
‘I don’t know about you,
but I stepped on a
duck.
QUICKIES
A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?’ Granny replies, F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ Hubby looks her up & down and replies, ‘Your sense of humor!’
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’ He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid’.
Important Message about Growing Old
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Crap
I Forgot What
I was going to tell you
EATING DOGS
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “What part did you get?
SHEER
A husband walks into Victoria ’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price—the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy ), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’
He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
God said, “Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.”
Adam said, “Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?”
God said, “Go down
Into that valley.”
Adam said, “What’s a Valley?”
God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
“Cross the river.”
Adam said, “What’s a River?”
God explained that
To him, and then said,
“Go over to the hill….”
Adam said, “What is a
Hill?”
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, “On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.”
Adam said, “What’s a
Cave?”
After God explained,
He said, “In the cave
You will find a woman.”
Adam said, “What’s a Woman?”
So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, “I
Want you to
Reproduce.”
Adam said, “How do
I do that?”
God first said (under
His breath), “Geez…..”
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, “What is it
Now?”
And Adam said….
MURDER
So, here’s the story. . .
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor……..
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..
‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!’
WOODEN-LEGGED PIG
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, “That’s a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?”
So the man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life.”
The bartender says. “Well, that’s great. But why does he have a wooden leg?”
The man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life.”
The bartender says, “That’s really terrific, but why the wooden leg?”
The man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life.”
And finally the bartender says,”Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?”
The man says, “When you have a pig this special you can’t eat all of it at once.”
SUPERMARKET
A new supermarket opened in Townsend, Tenn.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don’t buy toilet paper there
ANNIVERSARY
She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds and it better be there!”
The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
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“What’s a headache?”
OSTRICH
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, What’s yours?’
’I'll have the same,’ says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad, says the man.
‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’
‘Well,’ says the man, ’several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’
The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’
MURDER
My very favorite book title, discovered in the American University Library in DC when I was a student there (many years ago): A Cursory History of Swearing, by Julian Sharman. It is dated 1884.
Wilda